The hardest part isn't falling, it's getting back up once you hit the ground|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Monday, September 12th, 2005|
My eye sight sucks. Current Mood: crazy
|Friday, August 19th, 2005|
I love you. Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, August 10th, 2005|
i don't know what to feel anymore. Current Mood: depressed
|Monday, August 8th, 2005|
Okay, so alot has happened today. and i feel really bad about the way i have reacted to it. I'm so sorry jeff that i broke down like that in front of you. you should not have seen that. i'm so terribly sorry.
Today was perfectly all right until my dad got home. we were casually making dinner then he turned to me and asked me who had called at twelve last night. at first i was like "what do you mean" debating on wether or not i should play it off or tell the truth. i chose to tell the truth. i have no idea how they heard the phone. they never hear the phone. Alix calls me all the time that late at night and suddenly they hear the phone. i don't understand it. so my dad let it slide. he didn't say anymore. so i went in my room and read. then my mom came in.
My mom is probabaly one of the only people who can make me feel absolutly horrible about myself. she asked me what was so important for me to have alix call me. i told her i specifically told him to call me, because i did. and i told her it was none of her business why i wanted him to call me. but she kept on. she asked questions. she asked me if it was getting so serious that she would have to stop what was going on between us. she kept asking why and what i talked to him about. i told her i just wanted to talk to him becasue i miss him, and that was the truth. i don't care what she thinks. she can think what the hell she wants to. she has no idea about anything. she told me ever since alix and i started going out that i had receded into this type of shell and i never talk to her or anyone anymore. Bullshit! everyone but her thinks i'm so much more happy then i was. and i am. i think that i'm pretty damn happy and overly content where i am right now. why can't she see it. i'm with a completely wonderful guy who makes me so incredibly happy. what is so wrong with that? i know she doesn't want me happy but jesus, what the fuck is her problem. i'm sorry i can't fucking talk to her anymore. but guess what? it's not my fucking fault. When she is home she's either bitching my dad out or is drinking. and when she drinks she goes to sleep. she says we used to be so close now we are being drawn further and further apart. I'm sorry i have a god damn life. then of course when our arguing starts it doesn't stop. she made me feel so guilty. she says i'm never here anymore. adn that i'm definetely not there when she needs me. she basically told me i don't care about anyone but myself. Fuck you! i have two younger sisters who are perfectly capable of doing stuff around the house as well. oh but they are not as mature as me. that is her arguement. she even threatened to send them back to florida if i didn't want them here. How the fuck can she do that. she knows damn well what i think abotu that subject adn i woud die first before i let her send them back to that bastard. i can't believe she even mentioned it. well, what the fuck is everyone going to do when i'm gone? she told me if i could prove to her that i coud juggle school and get good grades and show that i was responsible enough she woud let me get a job. and i told her good, i needed a job. she just looked at me and then asked why. so i told her i wanted to move out as soon as i turned eighteen. of course i knew what she'd have to say about that. and she explained how hurt she was. well i don't give a god fucking damn about what she feels. she asked me about my dad and i told her he was trying to be a father and she got hurt at that because he's "The only father i've ever known" memo to you mother. i don't have father.and mark is not doing a very good job. except to teach me to walk out on my family. he's done it three times already i'm counting on the fourth. but not before i walk out first.becasue i'm gone as soon as i can. i want as far away from here as possible.
so after that we all went out because dinner was ready. the first thing my dad asked was if i was happy now. because apparently i'm depressed or that is what they think. so we all ate. i tried to eat but my mom's talks always make me feel sick. so as i was starting to clean up my dad has to pipe in his two cents worth again. apparently i'm to skinny because he asked me why i was loosing so much weight. i just looked at him. then he asked me if it was because i was depressed then he asked if it was because of what my friends and people around me expected of me. i told him no. it was because of me and my view of myself and for him to back out of the subject it was none of his business. what the fuck should he care.
It pissed me off so much more that they expected me to be merry fucking sunshine. and then they started to be so fucking nice. sickingly nice. the kind of nice that makes you want to grit your teeth and put your fist through a wall. my mom and dad kept asking me if i wanted to go four- wheeling with them and if i wanted to "Talk" some more.and then they kept asking if i needed help with anything. i don't need there fucking help. i never have and i never will. i'll die before i ever let them help me with anything. it all made me want to scream. and i had no way to take my anger out. if i locked myself in my room they'd come tell me to unlock it. my mom threatened to take my lock away. i don't fucking think so. i regret what i did in my anger. i didn't realize i had done it until after i did it. and i feel horrible about it. but i can't change it.
thank the lord and lady that leslie and jeff came over and i was shocked that my mom let me leave with them. i coudln't have put up with staying there any longer. leslie heard me on the phone and i think i scared her. i'm sorry leslie. but thankyou for being here for me. you understood what i needed and you said what i needed to hear and thanks for helping me get to see alix.
i'm so sorry alix that i was the way i was when we got to your work. i know i worried you, but you have no reason to be worried. it's not your problem. i don't want you to think it's your fault, becasue it's not. i'm so sorry. you don't ever need to see me upset. you shoudln't have to see me upset. i just seem to be doing everything wrong and i can't make everyone happy no matter how hard i try. i know you understand. i'm sorry you had to see me like that.but it made me feel better just to see you and i dreaded you getting yelled at if you had called me later tonight. i'm sorry i said it so bluntly, but i didn't know what i else i could say at that point in time. i'm sorry i worried you because i know that i did.but now , hopefully, you know why,and i'll be able to talk to you tomorrow. i hope.
so i'm going to wrap this up this is really long. i'm sorry to everyone who saw me the way i was. i was a mess and it was not a pretty sight, and thankyou for understanding and being here for me. i'll talk to you all later. love you guys
<3 Current Mood: crushed
|Thursday, August 4th, 2005|
Guess what I"M BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! i love having my computer fixed. Current Mood: chipper
|Saturday, May 28th, 2005|
everything has been grand and depressing all at the same time. graduation... alicia's house.... there's so many emotions and no way to express them. but it's been fun. i hope everyone has a great summer. SCHOOL IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hell fucking yes. i'll give you the whole play by play later i love you all. Current Mood: confused
|Thursday, May 26th, 2005|
you have three guesses and your wrong on all of them so i'll tell you...
Bryan, dear, sweet,tempting, seductive,and so damn sexy, bryan is coming up. YAY! it is going ot be wonderful. everyone has to meet him becasue he's wonderful. yes bryan you are. i wouldn't talk to you for 5 hours everynight if you were not. off to the mall, camping, and other unmentionalble things. and other things yet to be planned.
so exams are easy as all get out. half days are great.
i went to hell church yesterday, and it's creepy. it gave me a sick feeling. that place is freaking evil. but interesting. i feel bad for people that meddle in that stuff.
well i got to go. i'll write more when and if i get a new computer. i'll keep my fingers crossed. i love you all. Alicia you are great. and jerry..i hope your boobs come in like you want them to. and we all have to go back to the mall this weekend. i love you guys.
<3! Current Mood: awake
|Friday, May 20th, 2005|
times are hard right now. confusing. Mark came back,and my mom took him back. now he's making empty promises. i'm supposed to be getting a car and when and if i do. (if mark keeps his promise) i want to go visit Bryan. hopefully he'll visit this summer. back to mark. i don't know if i should trust him. i don't. it tears him up that i won't talk to him. but oh well, he's the one who walked out. screw him. he just better not hurt my mom agian. this time when he say's forever he better mean it or he'll have me to deal with. he's also promised to take us on our first "family" vacation. to disneyworld this summer. i love disney world but i doubt he'll take us. he neevr keeps his promises. i alwasy knew he'd weedle his way back into our lives.
i'm supposed to go the Vineyard tonight. i promised someone i'd go see him play. him and i have been talking a lot lately. but i don't know if it's wrong. he's so sweet, but i'm confused. it'll sort itself out though. he needs time and i definetly need time.
i'm gettign my computer back and aol. so when i get my new e-mail and AIM i'll post it here and on my xanga(which i haven't been on forever) oh howw i miss my late night talks till 3-4 in the morning with my dear Bryan. i miss it so.
can't wait to see Star Wars episode III. it's going ot be so awesome.
and to a certain someone. it'll be okay darling. do what makes you happy. i'll be here no matter what. you can't make everyone happy, so don't try. you need to be happy. i'd like to see you happy. all my love dear.
i love you all.
-Arika- Current Mood: amused
|Wednesday, May 11th, 2005|
i saw house of wax yesterday. it was rather good. paris hilton's death gave me a warm tingly feeling inside. he he. the concept behind the whole village being wax is amazing. who would think of something like that it's amazing.
well, i have decided not to care. who i got to go.
go see house of wax.
and i'll dream on. Current Mood: bored
|Tuesday, May 10th, 2005|
I don't know...
What do i do?
I thought maybe, but now i don't think he does. it stings a little.
oh well right.
Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.
i guess it is for a guy too...
hell, there's nothing i can do about it.
oh well. i shouldn't care, therefore, i won't.
guys are to much effort...
caring is to much effort especially when you know they don't care back.
so, all in all... that's it.
screw it! Current Mood: blank
|Monday, May 9th, 2005|
i don't know what to do in times like this.
i don't know what to say.
the decissions to make...
the feelings that i feel...
make them go away...
my nights are full of nightmares...
i hate them...
why won't they go away...
i have no right to feel this...
What happened to the ice queen...
take away the memories...
Make them go away.
where's the strength...
i shouldn't feel like this...
i have no right...
i should not feel...
Make this go away. Current Mood: numb
|Friday, May 6th, 2005|
It's so terribly depressing to see everyone like this. it's heart breaking. not only does a tragedy like this hurt us it makes us reflect on our own mortalitly and the fact that we can lose the friends that are so close to us anyday. i wouldn't be able to handle it. but we have to handle it the best we can. we have to go on and remember them and cherish them with all we have. they may be gone in body but they will alwasy be here with us, guiding us, loving us. And we need to love them. so many tears have been shed. but ask yourself, would they have wanted you to cry for them? When i die i don't want anyone to weep for me, but rejoice. for i will encounter the greatest adventure i have ever known. So do not weep for them, cherish them, rejoice, for them, remember them. Death is only the beginning,and only the good die young. Current Mood: morose
|Monday, May 2nd, 2005|
in the real world when you kill people, they die.
and in the real world, your fucked. Current Mood: angry and hurt
|Friday, April 29th, 2005|
hmmm. prom shall bbe truly wonderful. everyone have fun and party like a rockstar. love. Current Mood: amused
|Thursday, April 28th, 2005|
oh dear. the Ghost out made me cry. i didn't like it at all. it made me remember to much. and CJ i'm going to hurt you. i really am. how dare you nto warn me you were in it and was going to die. i wasnt' prepared for that. i don't want to go through that again. i love you to damn much to want to see you dead. fake or not fake. well... prom in a two days. Yay!... fun fun.
human nature is nothing but human habit. Current Mood: upset and crushed
|Wednesday, April 27th, 2005|
i fear that i may have feelings for someone i will never ever be able to be with. it's a hopeless dream. i knew from the moment i met him he was someone i coudl fall in love with. so i stayed away. but the past few weeks we were just thrown together. and the feelings grew. now i dont know what to do. i
ll figure something out. i 'll just have to stay away from him. if i know what's good for me and him.
but life goes on.
the wolf sinks his teeth into the flesh of his prey with out the knowledge that he is the destroyer as well as the destroyed. Current Mood: busy
|Friday, March 18th, 2005|
Love is a friendship that is on fire.
<3 Current Mood: devious
|Thursday, March 17th, 2005|
life is short but we have to make the best of it. believe in everything even if it's proven wrong. it can alwasy be proven right. love like your going die tomorrow. hapiness can only be found within yourself! okay enough proverbs. i love you all!
<3 Current Mood: amused
|Friday, March 11th, 2005|
I miss you all!
all my love. Current Mood: cheerful
|Sunday, January 30th, 2005|
well this is it. i have to say my goodbyes. so this is my last entry on here probably for a very very long while if ever again. it's been fun. you know how to get a hold of me if you really want to talk. i'm going to miss this. i'm going to miss all the late night chats. but you know where to find me. i'm going to miss you all. there's really no point in commenting on this i'm not going to be abe to see it. but, i really am going to miss you. i wish things hadn't of turned out this way. i had hoped everything was going to be fixed.
i love all you guys.
all my love.
<3~ Current Mood: heart-broken