Arika (lingering_flame) wrote,
Arika
lingering_flame

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Okay, so alot has happened today. and i feel really bad about the way i have reacted to it. I'm so sorry jeff that i broke down like that in front of you. you should not have seen that. i'm so terribly sorry.

Today was perfectly all right until my dad got home. we were casually making dinner then he turned to me and asked me who had called at twelve last night. at first i was like "what do you mean" debating on wether or not i should play it off or tell the truth. i chose to tell the truth. i have no idea how they heard the phone. they never hear the phone. Alix calls me all the time that late at night and suddenly they hear the phone. i don't understand it. so my dad let it slide. he didn't say anymore. so i went in my room and read. then my mom came in.

My mom is probabaly one of the only people who can make me feel absolutly horrible about myself. she asked me what was so important for me to have alix call me. i told her i specifically told him to call me, because i did. and i told her it was none of her business why i wanted him to call me. but she kept on. she asked questions. she asked me if it was getting so serious that she would have to stop what was going on between us. she kept asking why and what i talked to him about. i told her i just wanted to talk to him becasue i miss him, and that was the truth. i don't care what she thinks. she can think what the hell she wants to. she has no idea about anything. she told me ever since alix and i started going out that i had receded into this type of shell and i never talk to her or anyone anymore. Bullshit! everyone but her thinks i'm so much more happy then i was. and i am. i think that i'm pretty damn happy and overly content where i am right now. why can't she see it. i'm with a completely wonderful guy who makes me so incredibly happy. what is so wrong with that? i know she doesn't want me happy but jesus, what the fuck is her problem. i'm sorry i can't fucking talk to her anymore. but guess what? it's not my fucking fault. When she is home she's either bitching my dad out or is drinking. and when she drinks she goes to sleep. she says we used to be so close now we are being drawn further and further apart. I'm sorry i have a god damn life. then of course when our arguing starts it doesn't stop. she made me feel so guilty. she says i'm never here anymore. adn that i'm definetely not there when she needs me. she basically told me i don't care about anyone but myself. Fuck you! i have two younger sisters who are perfectly capable of doing stuff around the house as well. oh but they are not as mature as me. that is her arguement. she even threatened to send them back to florida if i didn't want them here. How the fuck can she do that. she knows damn well what i think abotu that subject adn i woud die first before i let her send them back to that bastard. i can't believe she even mentioned it. well, what the fuck is everyone going to do when i'm gone? she told me if i could prove to her that i coud juggle school and get good grades and show that i was responsible enough she woud let me get a job. and i told her good, i needed a job. she just looked at me and then asked why. so i told her i wanted to move out as soon as i turned eighteen. of course i knew what she'd have to say about that. and she explained how hurt she was. well i don't give a god fucking damn about what she feels. she asked me about my dad and i told her he was trying to be a father and she got hurt at that because he's "The only father i've ever known" memo to you mother. i don't have father.and mark is not doing a very good job. except to teach me to walk out on my family. he's done it three times already i'm counting on the fourth. but not before i walk out first.becasue i'm gone as soon as i can. i want as far away from here as possible.

so after that we all went out because dinner was ready. the first thing my dad asked was if i was happy now. because apparently i'm depressed or that is what they think. so we all ate. i tried to eat but my mom's talks always make me feel sick. so as i was starting to clean up my dad has to pipe in his two cents worth again. apparently i'm to skinny because he asked me why i was loosing so much weight. i just looked at him. then he asked me if it was because i was depressed then he asked if it was because of what my friends and people around me expected of me. i told him no. it was because of me and my view of myself and for him to back out of the subject it was none of his business. what the fuck should he care.

It pissed me off so much more that they expected me to be merry fucking sunshine. and then they started to be so fucking nice. sickingly nice. the kind of nice that makes you want to grit your teeth and put your fist through a wall. my mom and dad kept asking me if i wanted to go four- wheeling with them and if i wanted to "Talk" some more.and then they kept asking if i needed help with anything. i don't need there fucking help. i never have and i never will. i'll die before i ever let them help me with anything. it all made me want to scream. and i had no way to take my anger out. if i locked myself in my room they'd come tell me to unlock it. my mom threatened to take my lock away. i don't fucking think so. i regret what i did in my anger. i didn't realize i had done it until after i did it. and i feel horrible about it. but i can't change it.

thank the lord and lady that leslie and jeff came over and i was shocked that my mom let me leave with them. i coudln't have put up with staying there any longer. leslie heard me on the phone and i think i scared her. i'm sorry leslie. but thankyou for being here for me. you understood what i needed and you said what i needed to hear and thanks for helping me get to see alix.

i'm so sorry alix that i was the way i was when we got to your work. i know i worried you, but you have no reason to be worried. it's not your problem. i don't want you to think it's your fault, becasue it's not. i'm so sorry. you don't ever need to see me upset. you shoudln't have to see me upset. i just seem to be doing everything wrong and i can't make everyone happy no matter how hard i try. i know you understand. i'm sorry you had to see me like that.but it made me feel better just to see you and i dreaded you getting yelled at if you had called me later tonight. i'm sorry i said it so bluntly, but i didn't know what i else i could say at that point in time. i'm sorry i worried you because i know that i did.but now , hopefully, you know why,and i'll be able to talk to you tomorrow. i hope.

so i'm going to wrap this up this is really long. i'm sorry to everyone who saw me the way i was. i was a mess and it was not a pretty sight, and thankyou for understanding and being here for me. i'll talk to you all later. love you guys



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